Ambivalent

Tomorrow I fly out back home...
You would think I'd be all excited, but I'm not. Yes I am looking forward to seeing my family (to an extent) and friends (to more of an extent) BUT I'm not excited about going. I think she's shown more emotion about this trip than I have, but she's nervous about meeting my parents - that works as an excuse .

It's been 1 year and a half since I left. The first time I'm going back and I can't actually be bothered. One of my friend's says I haven't been away long enough. Coupled with the fact that I speak to someone from back home at least once a week I don't think I given myself a chance to miss anyone or get home sick. (yes, I am officially still not home sick)

Which is funny - the first time I spent an extended time away from my family was when I went to the army. It was over a week before I spoke to them and I went to pieces because I had not spoken to them for sooo long. Now can't be bothered - shows you how people change.


I think part of the reason why I'm not homesick is because of my ability to put things behind me: When I decided to move to London I put Cape Town (and to a certain extent, everything that goes with it) behind me and moved on. Now I'm dispassionate about it and having to confront it. Kind of like when you run into a ex whose memory you pushed to the back of you mind to make you forget. Will everything stay buried or while I have the reaction of someone confronting a love they never wanted to lose in the first place?

Guess I'll found out on thurday!

Regular People Too

spent the past weekend at an event where there were tv and movie stars...

I still can not get over the fact that people go to pieces when they are with someone they idolise. The guest I was assisting had people's reactions ranging from bursting into tears to being completely tongue tied...and she was very sweet about it the whole time, as tired as she was.

We were discussing it while walking through a store and she agreed that people tended to forget she's a normal person doing something she loves which people see as being extra-ordinary...although the part where person and character gets confused by people is still scary.

as far as i'm concerned they're just regular people with the same hang ups we have...and at times fun to be around with too.

You get one lifetime...apparently

Living someone else’s life is easier than living your own life – well at least trying to.

After a conversation with someone yesterday I was seriously disturbed while trying to figure out where their own personality/sense of identify ended and their idol’s personality started. It all seemed to flow into one entity – no real sense of original thought to be seen - and this is all based on what can be scrounged from television and tabloids.

I’ve noticed it before and never really thought about it – and you’ll find it all over the place: From the bimbos whose life ambitions are to be WAGS to a guy whom I knew who had problems interacting with people and to compensation decided to emulate the Vulcans from Star Trek (I’m not joking)

It’s just too easy to copy something that’s been done before and generally requires no thinking on your part. Which saddens me – how can you learn about yourself if you try to be somebody else? Most people tend to learn things from experiences they have had – not taking cribnotes from the latest celebrity autobiography (in this country they seemed to be released before the person in question is 30, hell 25 even – what’s worse is that they appear to have been bubblegumified so that the simple people can read them…sometimes I rue the fact that I get to read Book Seller at work) and then finding ways to apply them to their lives…doesn’t always work like that - unless the bloody book is done as a self-help guide to bettering yourself. Queue Tony Robbins and others like him.

If there’s one thing I have learnt is this: you have to learn from your experiences…you don’t. You will just keep repeating them over and over. What worked for the flavour of the month might not work for you – and if you keep wondering why you keep fucking up and doing the same idiotic thing over and over even though you completely copied your idol get someone to administer a swift kick in the arse.

Mind you being complacent in your life and living in a rut is just as bad as trying to be someone else…that I can at least speak about from personal experience. So can most people who have been bothered to pull their finger out their arse and do something about their situation.

I have had it with people still living like it was 1 to however many years ago. Bitching about the same thing as they have done in the time period. It’s as if they have stopped time on that point and are happy about the static point they are at…even if they bitch all the time. And they also expect us to make allowances for them with regards to them being that way.

An example – I used to bemoan the situation I was in at one of my old jobs until I made some effort and looked for another one…eventually that decision led me here. My girlfriend at the time used to tell me to quit bellyaching and do something about it – which only happened when I decided to do something about it…the solution wasn’t handed to me on a platter, even though at the time I kept thinking it should be.

Now I have two people like that whom I interact with…one here and the other back in South Africa. The one back in ZA is easy to deal with – when I go back in December, I’ve decided that if he’s still bitching about the same stuff they was before when I left South Africa 18 months before, I’m going to tear them a new hole – if that costs me my friendship then so be it…after over 15 years of having to keep my mouth shut, I’ve had enough.

The other is back here…worst that could happen if I confront then would be a possible suicide…damn manic depressives…maybe I should just point out which methods would be most/least painful. Actually it doesn’t bother me that much…I feel like emailing them the “Mr Razor says walk down the road, not across” cartoon from Something Positive™

Killing Joke

Some times pranks, mischievous or malicious can go too far…unless you intend them to.

A friend of mine has been the butt of a spiteful prank which has just spiralled out of control and could serious fuck her up. Essentially her contact details have been posted in a seemly perverse advert on a dating site causing her to be inundated with emails, text messages and phone calls.

Twice

After it was removed the first time, whoever set it up put it back on the dating site. Unfortunately she can’t get the details of who put it up (even though it is ‘officially’ her) from the website company and so, taking advice from a friend she’s reported the matter the police and logged a harassment compliant. While the detective in charge is apparently taking this seriously, I’m sure it will be a while before the company provides the elusive email or IP address to the police.

There is a suspect, possibly two and not much we can do about the whole situation.

Last night I got the shock of my life – I saw her for the first time since the whole fiasco started and I could not believe that it was the same outgoing person, who a couple weeks ago I was trading cutting remarks with. Now she can’t handle strangers coming up to her and trying to strike up a conversation with her…and I foresee a massive panic attack happening some. (For her, that’s a common occurrence)

I was livid after seeing her last night – not with her, with the mysterious doos who started this. I don’t lose my temper…well hardly ever, but when people I care about are hurt in anyway I tend to want to break something.

I have to wonder about the person who started the whole proceedings off, taking into account the suspects – and knowing their reasons for wanting to do something like this. Still, to put personal information on a popular UK website and not expect the flood of answers to just being oh so naïve. This was premeditated and definitely takes harassment to a new level from my point of view. I can’t even imagine the loathing and intense dislike the person must have for her…

Now we have to help a fragile person keep it together. And let the system runs its course.

Once all is revealed, this can be moved past and she doesn’t need to stop herself from falling apart.

necessary violence

having discussions at work about necessary violence (violence when it is ABSOLUTELY necessary) -yes I know, there are some of you out there who feel that non-violence is an option and I respect that - and how far a person is prepared to go to get something do is never a good thing.

Especially if they come away thinking I have the capacity to be a blood thirsty barbarian...
actaully i do.

Will relate entire discussion after work...

adolescents fun these days

So surfing the usual news sites like I do at work when I come across this:
http://www.int.iol.co.za/index.php?set_id=1&click_id=&art_id=vn20060721014621141C728125

What can I say – I’m disgusted…completely. Hell, I turned down a library post as a leading pharmaceuticals company because they experimented on animals. To be honest I’ve always been a bit sensitive about that sort of thing.

Man is a creature capable of amazing acts of compassion, especially when not wanting anything in return – it’s good to do the right thing sometimes, no matter what the cost. On the other hand man is also capable to committing acts of spine chilling ruthlessness. The sad thing is we’re all have the capability to go either way within us. I, for one, should know – there is a reason I never lose my temper any more. Not that I am a violent person.

But that is a story for another time…in the very distant future.

I was pondering what would be a suitable punishment – the first thing that springs to mind: spray them with an aerosol and set them alight…let them run around for a while before they roll around and put themselves out. That might work…a case of tit for tat. Might even deter their friends who thought it would be a fun idea.

The problem I can foresee is the defence’s argument – it was their mouse and they could do with it as they wished – like any other property/items they might have bought before. They just have to prove that they don’t see animals as most people tend to see them and they’re only property for the owners to do with them as they will. This can go around in circles for a while.

My concern is this: if they’re quite capable of inflicting this kind of harm on a small defenceless creature (okay defenceless relative to a human) what else are they capable in the long run? While it might be seen as harmless fun to themselves, and a phase that specialists might say they will outgrown, at best I’d say sadism is a likely option and at worst psychopathic behaviour. Sociopath is out as that would have been one person doing it on his or her own.

Yes I know I’m over reacting…and it’s only over in South Africa. But I look around here and wonder how society has gone and fucked itself up.

But that comes down to consequences and how we’ve become very good at avoiding them OR even stalling them long enough that they’re of no consequence any more.

And that will be a diatribe for another time I suppose.

lalalala

so...the tiki's acting up so I decided to go elsewhere for a while - remembered that i had this site hidden away thanks to matt. also i don't have to worry about the claws affliated guys reading this and getting upset when i say something about them. but am i actually that petty? i doubt it... shit! who am i kidding - half the time i don't know what will rub me up the wrong way. if and when i exploded - that's then someone has gone too far.

yippee I don't have to pull any punches when I froth about someone...not that I've got anyone to moan about at the mo.

And moving right along...this having to put a Con-X game together is going to catch up with me soon - and I don't even want to think about the Vampire LARP...